Why They Don't Have Talent Shows On The Enterprise
by Grey Vice
Summary: Kirk decides to hold a talent night to boost camaraderie among the crew. McCoy is not happy about this. Crack filled ficlet that features poetry, stripping, and freestyle rap


"Why the hell are we doing this again?" Dr. Leonard McCoy grumbled.

"Because it'll build camaraderie among the crew." Captain Kirk grinned back.

"So can't you just put together an away team, and you guys can go sing around the campfire on some god forsaken planet?" McCoy threw his hands in the air. "Share your feelings? Talk about your lack of remorse over all those red shirts that ate it on your behalf?"

"Don't be such a grump Bonsey. I'll see you in the mess at 9." Kirk skipped off with a wave.

Reaching into his pocket McCoy withdrew a flask and unscrewed the cap. He downed the bitter contents with a large gulp.

"...I f*ing hate talent shows"

The good news was that it was only 4 in the afternoon. So that gave McCoy plenty of time to get sufficiently sauced to help lessen the pain of the coming evening.

* * *

The talent show was already well under way by the time McCoy stumbled into the mess hall, a half empty bottle of vodka in tow.

"Doctir! Have a seat!" Ensign Chekov shifted over and patted the bench he was sitting on.

McCoy grinned lecherously at the young man. "Don't mind if I do!" He clumsily dropped onto the seat offered him. "So what fresh hell have I been missing out on?"

"Uh... well Mistir Scott is reciting poetry". He pointed to the front of the room where the engineering chief stood, microphone in hand.

"All right now. This one is a Scott original so prepare yourselves"

Scotty cleared his throat and began to recite

"_**There once was a Captain named Kirk.**_

_**Who came off as quite a big jerk.**_

_**But fathers beware, **_

_**without even a care,**_

_**your daughters he'll bang with a smirk**__._"

The room erupted in groans and laughter. Kirk stood up at his table and bowed to the room. "What can I say? The ladies! They love me!" Crumpled up pieces of paper flew at the captain.

"Ah, all but one sir!

_**Lieutenant Uhura's so fine.**_

_**To be with her the boys get in line.**_

_**Ask her out everyday**_

_**all she ever will say**_

_**For that pointy eared bastard, I pine**_"

"He's blushing green!" someone in the audience yelled as the room filled with laughter yet again at commander Spock's expense.

"All right, all right. That's enough you idiots" Uhura said into the mic. "Who's next?"

"But I'm not done yet!" Scotty protested.

"Yeah we'll I'm running this show and I say your time is up" she stuck out her tongue as he walked off.

"Kirk, get up here. You're next!"

Kirk sauntered up to the stage and took the microphone. "Tonight I will be serenading you all with a classic Earth song that is really one of my favourites."

The music pumped in through the room and Kirk starting flailing his arms and gyrating his hips.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts!" He fell down on his knees and ripped his shirt off Hulk Hogan style. He was a man overtaken by the wild beats of Right Said Fred. A man determined to show his crew exactly what it was he was too sexy for. Which was everything.

By the end of the song he was wearing nothing but a Star fleet sanctioned banana hammock.

"Uh....ok. Let's hear it for the Captain!" Uhura wasn't sure what else to say while Kirk walked back to his seat giving the wink and guns combo to pretty much everyone he passed along the way.

"Looks like our last entrant for talent night is Dr. McCoy!"

"Yeah, yeah" McCoy stood up and polished off the bottle before walking up to take his punishment.

"I just want to start out by saying that first, I hate James Kirk. And second, I didn't bother to actually prepare because I totally DO NOT CARE about this stupid talent night crap. So... uh... I guess I'll just wing it."

He nervously shifted from foot to foot. "Uh, can I get a beat?"

Soon enough one was provided and he started to sway in time.

"**_I'm Bones McCoy and I'm here to say_**

_**that I'm gonna rock the mic with a fist of hypo spray. **_

_**The baddest C.M.O. that you ever did see**_

_**Most GQ muth*a in the fleet is ME"**_

_**When Spock comes in, gets all up in my face**_

_**you know I'm gonna erase**_

_**his Vulcan ass from my space**_

_**Cuz I'm M. C. Coy and I'm one of a kind**_

_**you know my beats are so fresh they're gonna blow your mind!**_

**_MEDBAY! WHAT WHAT?!!_"**

Kirk's jaw had hit the floor. He was expecting the doctor to do a dramatic reading from one of his boring books. Not bust out a freestyle rap! The audience had lost their shit! Panties were flying up on stage and McCoy was glaring at the crowd with the fire of a thousand suns. Kirk's fanclub had left him in the dust as they ran up to the doctor, clamouring for his attention.

"Better luck next time pal" McCoy said as he walked past Kirk, a lady on each arm and a fist full of thongs in each hand.

"...I f*ing hate talent shows" was all Kirk could reply.


End file.
